


Bat-Family Filk

by Dannell Lites Archivist (offpanel_archivist)



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Filk, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-11-25
Updated: 2000-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 09:25:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16741348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offpanel_archivist/pseuds/Dannell%20Lites%20Archivist
Summary: Here be Filk! Parody ahead! Ya'll have been warned! Proceed at ya'll's own risk!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is archived on behalf of Dannell Lites, who passed away in 2002, with the permission of her family. Posting date approximate.
> 
> \--

**A Boy Named Dick**

By: Dannell Lites

To The Tune Of: "A Boy Named Sue" by Johnny Cash

My Dad he died when I was nine 

Which sure put me in a hell of a bind,

He fell from off that old high trapeze with grace and ease.

Now I don't blame him 'cause he went and died,

But the meanest of all his dirty lies ...

Was before he fell he went and named me Dick!

Well, he must of thought it was quite a hoot 

And it got a lot of laughs from a lot of mooks,

That's why now I carry these escrima sticks.

Donna would giggle and I'd get red,

And then Roy would laugh and I'd bust his head ...

I tell ya life ain't easy for a boy named Dick!

Well, it was Gotham town in No Man's Land 

And I'd just snuck in to give Bruce a hand

I thought I'd go catch myself a crook

At a carnival wearin' bright gold and red

There a flying way up overhead

Was the thoughtless, pervert sick who named me Dick!

Well, I knew that flyer was my own sweet Dad 

That here at long last was the ugly cad

And I was still hoppin' mad because he named me Dick.

He was sleek and fast and brave and bold,

But I caught him, then, in a leg lock hold

And I cried, "My name is Dick! I do them karate/Kung-Fu high  
kicks! Now you're gonna die!"

He swung out on that aerial bar 

And I followed him, but not too far

'Cause he did a double back flip, giving me the slip.

So I kicked at him, aiming for his teeth,

Got to admit it was my firm belief

That he was gonna kick my butt from here to Idaho!

I tell ya, I've fought tougher villains 

But not too many who were quite so willin'

He was quick as an eel and just about twice as fast.

I saw him dodge and then I saw him duck

He was damned mean and rough, not to mention tuff!

And I've gotta say, I didn't think that I could last!

He said: "Now you just fought one hellava fight 

And I know you hate me and I think you might

Wanna kill me and I'd not blame you 'cause I'm a prick

But you oughta thank me, before I die

For the gravel in your guts and the spit in your eye

'Cause I'm the gun of a gun that named you 'Dick'!"

I got all choked up, didn't care that he had won 

And I called him my Dad and he called me his son,

And I came away with a different point of view.

Well, I think about him, now and then,

Every time I try and every time I win,

And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him --

Bruce or Sam! Anything but Dick! I still hate that name!

The End! 


	2. Chapter 2

Bat Clan Quartet  
By: Dannell Lites  
Sung To The Tune Of: "Daddy Sang Bass" by Johnny Cash  


Nightwing: I remember when I was a kid

Al would help with all we did  
In the BatCave me and Bruce would be on guard  
Just obsessed that's what we were  
Wearin' spandex and fightin' loons like ol' Joker  
And we'd get together in a Family circle fightin' hard ...  
CHORUS

Batman: Daddy fought crime,  
Batgirl/Oracle: Mama kicked bootie!  
Nightwing and Robin: Me and little Timmy would join right in there!  
All: Fightin' seems to keep us a Family!  
One of these days on some Gotham night

I'll rejoin them in a fight  
I'm gonna join the Family circle in the fray ...  
Ol' Batsignal's in the sky, shining bright, now

We're flying, yeah, way up high ...  
Daddy'll fuight crime, Mama'll kick bootie  
Me and little Timmy will join right in there  
Way up high, now, way up high.  
Now I remember after school,

Babs she'd come spar with all of us  
You could hear us fightin' for a country mile  
Now little Timmy has joined the Clan  
But Azrael he has been banned  
Though we've been thinking hard about Selina Kyle.  
CHORUS

Batman: Daddy fought crime!  
Batgirl/Oracle: Mama kicked bootie!  
Nightwing and Robin: Me and little Timmy would join right in there!  
All: Fightin' seems to keep us a Family!  
I'll rejoin them in a fight  
I'm gonna join the Family circle in the fray ...  
Ol' Bat Signal's in the sky, shining bright, now

We're flying', yeah, way up high ...  
Daddy'll fight crime, Mama'll kick bootie!  
Me and little Timmy will join right in there  
Way up high, yeah, way up high.  
Way up high, yeah, way up high!

The End!


	3. Chapter 3

Batman's Ballad  
By Dannell Lites  
To The Tune Of: "The Streak" by Ray Stevens

SPOKEN: Yes, Commmisoner? What? You say the Joker's escaped from Arkham! Again!? But .. I just put him away! Can't you people hold on to your criminals??

(Here he comes)

So watch out, so watch out!  
(There he goes)  
So watch out, so watch out!  
(And he's wearing spandex)  
Whoa, yes they call him Batman!

(So watch out, so watch out!)  
Baddest dude in Gotham!  
So watch out, so watch out!  
He's just as mad as he can be about crime and it's spree  
He will fight it with glee  
Oh, yes they call him Batman!  
(So look out, so look out)  
And, good Lord, he does it for free!  
(So watch out, so watch out)  
Now if there's any crooks to be found  
He'll be sneakin' A-round ensurin' public safety  
(He ain't insane)

(Oh my God, oh my God)  
(He's after Bane)  
(Oh my God, oh my God)  
(It's just a damed shame that they're all the same)  
Whoa, yes they call him Batman!

(Oh my God, oh my God)  
He likes to scare crooks and then fight  
(Oh my God, oh my God  
He's always bustin' up bars wearin' latex and kevlar  
Well, you can call him Dark Knight!

SPOKEN: No, no ... don't tell me! The Riddler this time, right? Why am I *not* suprised? Jim, this has got to stop! I put them away and you people let them escape. Arkham is a joke! Why not just install a revolving door on the damned place and be done with it? (long pause) What do you *mean* why can't I seem to keep my hands on the Catwoman or Poison Ivy?? Donpt you think that's kind of a personal question? Now, THAT was rude! Jim? Jim??

 

The End!


	4. Chapter 4

The Batman!  
By: Dannell Lites  
Sung To The Tune Of: "Gitarzan" by Ray Stevens  


He's tough as they come, he's surely not dumb,

He lives in a big cave, he's really quite brave;  
And he swings as he please without a trapeze -  
In his BVDs!  
He's a Justice Leaguer and he's down right eager,

Give crooks a flat zero, gonna be a big hero!  
Maybe he goes too far,  
But, yeah, he's really got a great car!  
He keeps Arkham filled with crooks and crazies,

Now the doctors there are dumb and lazy,  
It's really nothin' short of amazy!  
But me and the Comissioner agree  
That one day soon he'll be, a celebrity!  
Get'em, get'em, get'em, get'em, ooooo!  
The Batman!

He's a Gotham man!  
He's all you can stand,  
I'll give him a hand, the Batman!  
He's got a kid named Dick who's cute and quick,

Really good with a pun, but he loves danger and fun,  
'Cause he just can't explain, puns drives him insane  
When he sees Dick swing, he really does his thing  
It's his claim to fame  
Come on....rip one, Dickie!  
(Dick: "Holy Twice-In-A-Row, Batman! Two Face is getting away!")

Well, they got a pet dawgie,

Who likes to wear a cape, catch crooks by their noogies!  
And it's all real snoggie!  
Come on....your turn, boy....catch one, dawgie!  
(Ace, The Bathound: "Arf! Arf! GRRR!" Etc.) ...Let's hear it for the dawgie!

On Saturday night they need some excitement!

Dick gets right and the dawgie just might,  
And their fists unite in the pale moonlight  
POW! ZAP! CRASH! All right! Yeah, it's dynamite!  
It's out of sight! Let's hear it...right...now!  
(Combined Bat Signals, bad puns and Arf Arfs)

The Batman!

He's a Gotham man!  
He's all you can stand,  
Give him a hand, the Batman!  
The End!


	5. Chapter 5

Azrael's Lament!

By Dannell Lites  
To The Tune Of: "Thais" (trad.)

 

One time in Gotham City now, wicked Gotham City now

Where nights are wild with revelry and life is but a game  
There lived, there in No Mans Land, an adventuress and courtesan  
The pride of Gotham City now and Lilhy was her name!  
(Tune: "The Stripper")  
Nearby in peace and piety, avoiding all society

There dwelt a band of heroes fair who'd made their refuge there  
And in the Batcave's solitude they spurned all earthly folly to  
Devote their lives to good deeds now, to kicking ass with flair!  
(Tune: "Bad To The Bone")  
Now one hero whom I solely mention of this band of heroes fair

Was known as Az-a-rael, he was famous near and far  
At fasting bouts and prayer with him, none other could compare  
At plain and fancy praying he could do the course in par!  
(Tune: "God Of Our Fathers")  
One day while sleeping heavily, from wrestling with the Devil he

Had gone to bed exhausted, though the sun was shining still  
He had a vision Freudian, and thought he was annoyed he, an-  
Alysed it in the well known style of Doctors Jung and Brill!  
(Tune: "They're Coming To Take Me Away!")  
He dreamed of Gotham City now, of wicked Gotham City now

A crowd of men were cheering in a manner rather rude  
And Az-a-rael glancing there at Lilhy who was dancing there  
Observed her do the shimmy in what artist call THE NUDE!  
(Tune: "Yield Not To Temptation")  
Said he, "This dream fantastical disturbs my thoughts monastical

Some unexpressed desire, I fear, has rung my hero's bell  
I blushed up to the hat o' me, to view that girl's anatomy  
I'll go to Gotham City now and save her soul from Hell!"  
(Tune: "Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam")  
So, pausing not to wonder where, he'd put his spandex underwear

He quickly packed his armor there, a canon and his sword  
To guard against capture he, threw in his bestest rosary  
And bidding the BatBoys "Adieu!", he prayed unto the Lord!  
(Tune: "Drop Kick Me Jesus Threw The Goal Posts Of Life")  
The hero, though warned and fortified was deeply shocked and mortified

To find, on his arrival wild debauchery in sway  
Some were vague and stuporant, caused by booze of more than two percent  
The rest were all behaving in a most immoral way!  
(Tune: "Sodam and Gamorrah")  
Said he to Lilhy, "Pardon moi. Although this job is hard on moi

I've got to put you straight to what I came out here to tell:  
What's all this whoring gettin' you? Cut out this pie-eyed retinue,  
Let's hit the road together, kid, and save your soul from Hell!"  
(Tune: "Onward Christian Soldiers")  
Although this bold admonishment, caused Lilhy some astonishment,

She quickly answered, "Woo! My you're a gorgeous hunk, let's go!  
This burg's a frost; no yelling you! I'll jump your bones, I'm telling you  
If you'll just give me half a chance, so let's pack up and blow!"  
(Tune: "Blowing In The Wind")  
So off from Gotham City now, wicked Gotham City now,

Across the DMZ they go, beneath the burning sun.  
Till Lilhy, parched and sweltering, finds refuge in the sheltering  
Seclusion of a convent in the habit of a nun!  
(Tune" "Dominique")  
And now the hero's terrified to find his fears are verified,

His holy vows of chastity have cracked beneath the strain!  
Like one who has a jag on he, cries out in grief and agony  
"I'd sell my soul to see her do the shimmy once again!"  
(Tune: "The Stripper")  
Alas! His pleadings amorous, though passionate and clamorous

Have come too late. The courtesan has danced her final dance.  
Said he, "Now that's a joke on me, for that there dame to croak on me,  
I never should have passed her up the time I had the chance!"

The End!


	6. Chapter 6

KJ's Draco!  
By: Dannell Lites  
To The Tune Of: "The Armour Hot Dog Song"

Draco! What kind of fen love KJ's Draco?

Artists, ficeers,  
Staff's we love to bits!  
Melly's Gina; Ka-el's, too:  
Southern belles with Bar-B-que pits!  
'Cause we say so, we love Draco!  
We're all Cornered, now!  
The End:):)


	7. Chapter 7

The Old Bat Symbol  
By: Dannell Lites  
To The Tune Of: "The Union Label " - International Ladies Garment Workers Union Song

Look for the old Bat symbol,

When you are fleeing a robb'ry or vice!  
Remember somewhere some thugs are crying  
Their asses frying; locked in Black Gate, now!  
We fight hard, but uncomplaining!  
'Cause we are BatBoys and fighting's our way!  
So always look for the old Bat Symbol:  
It means you're able  
To trust the guys who make crooks pay!

The End!


	8. Chapter 8

The Rock  
To The Tune Of: "I Am A Rock" (Paul Simon, 1965)  
By: Dannell Lites  


A winter's night -

In a deep and ebon darkness;  
I am alone!  
Hiding in my Batcave,  
Shadows that I crave,  
Vainly looking for a stranger I can save.  
I am a rock!

I am an island!  
I've built walls -

A cavern deep and mighty;  
That none may penetrate.  
I have no need of friendship,  
Friendship causes pain,  
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.  
I am a rock!

I am an island!  
Don't talk of love -

Well, I've heard the word before;  
It's sleeping in my memory.  
I won't disturb the slumber,  
Of feelings that have died.  
If I never loved I never would have cried.  
I am a rock!

I am an island!  
I have my mission,

Kevlar and Nomex to protect me -  
I am shielded in my armor;  
Hiding in my gloom,  
Safe within my womb,  
I touch no one and no one touches me.  
I am a rock!

I am an island!  
And a rock feels no pain ...  
And an island never cries ...

The End

* *AUTHORS NOTE:

Ah wrote this filk in about ten minutes. It came together that easily. For those who remember the original song, the changes Ah have made to adapt it are small ones. It just seems to fit  
.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haiku by Dannell Lites

BRUCE

Bloody handpints stain  
Crime Alley stone and linger  
in his driven soul

DICK

Laughing, he launches  
himself out into night's bossom  
flying ... flying ... free

The End


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Limericks!  
> By Dannell Lites

Nightwing

There once was a hero named Dick,  
With a body so supple and quick,  
He flew throught the air,  
With great savior faire,  
But his mentor's as thick as a brick!

Oracle

There once was a hacker named Babs,  
On everything her 'puter keeps tabs,  
She's one mean Bird Of Prey,  
On any one given day,  
Many a baddie she nabs!

Tim(Robin)Drake

Once a young hero named Robin,  
Was forever and constantly sobbin',  
He's always so sad,  
'Cause he misses his Dad,  
Still he's got female hearts all a throbbin'!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark Knight Sonnet

Stone gargoyles are his pillows  
In the yawning fastness of the night  
Rocky Sentinels guard him from the harshness of the light  
Blood and tears are his reward  
Gotham's future peace is his accord  
Aching, trembling heart for those he fails  
Struggling, striving on to victory, he sails  
Enshrouding Dark Knight cape he weilds; protectively it billows


End file.
